Strange February

奇怪的二月 

Strange February 

我很久沒用中文寫作了。我每次坐下來想要寫二月份的這些經歷，腦子裡很多很多的事情就會變成一團亂麻。

I haven’t written in Chinese for so long,  and I wanted to write about these experience.  However, whenever I sat down my mind went into a spiral. 

I haven’t slept well: there are too many things that kept me awake, from anger to excitement to anxiety to sadness… This article is dedicated to those sleepless nights.

二月份沒有怎麼好好睡覺，讓我輾轉難眠的事情很多，有從憤怒到興奮到焦慮到難過。我們來細數一下輾轉難眠的這些夜晚我在想的事情吧。 

The first night worth remembering is the night when Doctor Li died from coronavirus.

I disagree with a lot of Chinese people politically, but I saw hope that day. I was really shocked to see that #Iwantfreedomofspeech was trending on weibo, and it was excitement in the most pathetic way : we went from “opening up to the world” to extreme nationalism, and now freedom of speech is a fantasy. For a long time, I didn’t associate myself with my past or what China stands for because of the disappointment I’ve experienced. I thought the fact that I moved to another part of the world and just make beautiful things would keep me away from oppression, but I saw videos of people who look at me are being quarantined without consent, journalists disappearing for exposing the truth, conspiracies being prevalent online… The death of Doc Li is a breaking point, and I realized how much I care for and love this country. I don’t abide with the political party, but I still love the land that has been deeply polluted, and I still have this unbreakable bond. 

We are all selfish people,  no one is willing to stand up to this tyrant: we worry about our safety, and we worry about our family’s safety. 

Everyone is a criminal, no one is free. 

This is the reality, and I am one of the cowards. Nothing can be done yet. 

I loathe myself for being fearful, but I can say that I would sacrifice everything that I am and everything that I have if needed. If there is one day the mirage is ready to collapse, I will do anything to fight in the battles for democracy and freedom. Unfortunately, I am too selfish and too cowardly to do anything right now because there are not enough of us, and I don’t want to die without meanings. 

第一個睡不著的晚上是李醫生的死。

可能我跟很多來自中國的人政治觀念並不符合，可是在那一天我第一次感覺我們潛在的一點點希望。其實如果不是親眼看到，我很難相信#我要言論自由在微博上被刷起來，其實這是真的這個十年最大的悲哀，我們從開放到民粹的道路上一步一步地走著，直到現在言論自由是最大的奢望 。其實之前很長一段的時間我以為我不想和我的過去已經中國在政治舞台上的地位有任何的聯繫，因為我真的曾經對這個地方失望至極，我曾經一度單純的認為，我搬到世界上的另一個角落，安心做我認為美的東西就可以脫離那些醜陋的過去和閉鎖而壓迫的體制，可是我看到網上的那些視頻，一個個長得跟我一樣的人被拖出家門，起來發聲的記者又消失，一個又一個的陰謀屢出不窮。李文亮醫生的死是我的一個爆炸點。 我意識到我的心很痛。我意識到我一直愛著這個國家，我不贊同它的政黨，我仍然愛著這個被深深污染過的土地，我對它依舊有著剪不斷的認同感。其實我們都是利己主義者，深深的受著壓迫卻沒有人有“王侯將相寧有種乎”的勇氣，我們擔心自己的安全，即使是無謂者，因為有了親人就有了永遠沒辦法間斷的牽絆。每個人都是罪犯，沒有人有自由。這是我們的現狀，我也是萬千懦夫中的一個，無法改變。

我恨我自己的懦弱，但我可以大言不慚地說，我會犧牲我的所有，如果有一天它有機會變好。如果有一天 海市蜃樓終於大廈傾頹，我會用我一切的力量去徵求這個民主和自由的戰役。現在無奈我的力量太小，我仍然太自私，我不想無謂的犧牲。

The second sleepless night is due to someone coming back to my life. Everything about him is just familiar, and I had been dreaming of the day we started talking again. Whenever I felt like I am disappointed in this world, I would secretly think about what he would say or do in this situation.

We used to be too proud, and we were busy writing the next best American record. 

His ambition and my dream brought us together, and tore us apart with no mercy. I have been jumping from one person to another during this year after the breakup, and then got disappointed over and over again: they are not even bad people, I just can’t be with them for odd reasons. 

New York gives us so many options that no one fight for no one: sex is just easier and cheaper when love isn’t involved after all.

I’ve spent a year trying to figure out what I have done wrong last time, and then I got his apology. 

Every hug that we had when we finally see each other again I did so with tears in my heart. A hundred ways to describe pity: we are well; he is well. 

He let go some of his American dreams, and started to rethink about what is it that he’s looking for in life; I gave up a lot of the superficial facade, and I am trying to find my place in this world. 

第二個睡不著的晚上我不太記得是哪一天了，也是在二月初。

曾經一個很重要的人又回到我的生命裡了。

他的一舉一動都很熟悉，沒有什麼更令人唏噓的事情，其實我無數次夢想過這一天。我們再一次聯繫起會是怎麼樣。而在最困難或者是最對這個世界失望的時候，我也偷偷的想他會怎麼說，他如果在我身邊會怎樣。

我們都曾經是這個世界上最清高驕傲的人，我們急著譜寫The next Best American record。他的志向我的理想 把我們帶到一起，然後痛苦地把我們撕裂。一年裡我和各種各樣的人約會，然後一次一次地失望：其實他們都是好人，只是沒辦法在一起。紐約這個城市給單身的人帶來心理上的創傷吧，我們的選擇太多所以我們並不為彼此戰鬥。畢竟，性比愛情要廉價而容易的多。

我用了一年的時間去探討我的過失，一年之後他跟我說了抱歉。

一開始的再見面，每一個擁抱我都在心裏哭泣了幾百次，只是因為惋惜，我們真的很好，他很好。

他放下了他的美國夢，開始想他真正想要的生活；我放下了很多浮躁的幻影，試著在兇殘的世界裡找到自己的位置。

The third night I was trying  to stay awake instead of having difficulties falling asleep. 

Even till this day I can’t calmly describe my experience. 

Ariel likes getaway. 

I love New York, but I needed to stop thinking for a while, so I had an escape. 

Los Angeles is the beautiful disguise, and New York is the authentic ugliness.

This escape from the authentic ugliness included daydreaming on the beaches, kisses that feels like raindrops, orgasms blooming like firework.

 When I looked at him I saw the stars. 

This is something new,  something exhilarating: when I was myself. No fake American smile, I could be cynical, and I could be vain, although all of those disappeared when I was with him.   

I was not happy nor sad. I think content was the word: at that moment I was perfectly good with being with this person. 

He brought me back to my favorite era: I was this flapper girl from the 1920s, and after half a martini, I saw something in my life that should’ve have never been there. Something dangerous, I said, “ I like the idea of you taking care of me.” That moment I felt more exposed than standing nakedly in front of him. My emotion went through the most violent battle between the Victorian woman ideology from my sub-conscience and my “true” identity. He said, “ a good relationship people take care of each other.” His response settled the battle with the softest and the most perfect truce. 

The sunset in Santa Monica was the shade of fish bone gray astonishingly transit into lime yellow that shapes like a butterfly. I said, “this is your color. This is how I see you.”

When the night comes insecurities sneak into our bed, onto my body and started to chip away my faith. 

I didn't move.   

He said, “you are so good.” He repeated that again and again.

I wanted to stay awake, because I knew when the sunrise hit I wouldn’t be here: I wanted more time with him. Then drowsiness came, so did my tears. 

I actually knew that this wouldn't be the end, but all of my childhood insecurities and self loathing voices came in, they said, “ you don’t deserve good things like this. What did you do to deserve him?” Then I just cried and tried to stay awake, and he tried to reassure me of how good I am. At that moment I tried to believe him, I felt like a stupid kid who lost her candy, and she only cried when there was someone to hug her. 

第三個晚上其實並不是睡不著，而是我試著保持清醒。 

至今寫氣這個經歷的時候，我都沒法情緒上保持鎮定。 Ariel喜歡逃離，我無比愛紐約，可是我仍然需要短暫地停止思考，從而我進行了一場逃離。

洛杉磯是美好的假象，紐約是真實的醜陋。

這場逃離醜陋的旅行包括在海灘上的白日夢，與雨滴一般細膩的親吻，煙花般綻放的性高潮。我看到他的時候我的眼裡有星星。

是激動人心的新事物，當我和他在一起的時候我是我自己，我不用掛上美式的假笑，我可以憤世嫉俗，我可以自視清高，但那一切都在他身邊消失了。

我不開心也不難過。我只是非常content，心願與在這一個時間和這一個人在一起。

那天晚上他帶我回到我最喜歡的年代，我是個1920年代的新女性，在一杯馬提尼酒之後，我找到了生命中本不該存在的意義。有一個很危險的念頭划過我的腦海，我對他說，“我喜歡你照顧我。” 在那一刻我把我所有的弱點全部暴露在他面前了，我的情緒是我和我自己潛在的維多利亞時期傳統女性心態最激烈的的碰撞，這時他說，“我認為在一段好的關係裡，兩個人會彼此照顧。”他的回應讓我和那個潛在心態有了最完美而柔軟的妥協。

Santa Monica有一種清淡柔和的魚尾灰色，逐漸進入蝶黃色的落日。我對他說，這個是你在我眼中的顏色。

那是我最後一天的逃離之旅，第二天就要回紐約了。

每到夜晚不安感就會爬上我的身體，侵蝕我的信念。我一動不動，他一直說我很好，我很好... 我試著不睡，我想跟他有多一點的時間，可我真的很睏很睏，後來眼淚就不停的掉下來了。

其實我知道這不該是我們的結束，可我從小被養到大的自我唾棄一直在怒斥著我，“你不值得這樣的人。”因此我只能無力地哭泣，然後用盡全力保持清醒。他一直對我說，“你很好。你真好。”在那一刻我真的想相信他的話，可從小到大隊自己的懷疑和焦慮只剩下無法解釋的眼淚。我恨了自己這麼久，這一刻覺得我是摔倒的小孩，然後終於有人來安慰我的時候盡情哭泣。

I got obsessed with “Because the night” by Patti Smith,

“ Love is an angel disguised as lust, here in our bed until the morning comes.” 

迷上了Patti Smith的歌，

“ Love is an angel disguised as lust, here in our bed until the morning comes.” 

The last sleepless night was two days ago, 

I tried to live better, to draw, to sew, to read and to tolerate shallow and superficial people. 

The sunshine in California was dream-like. 

New York is good, but recently I am not good at being lonely, especially when I'm alone in bed. I think too much about what happened before and what is about to happen, I try to cut out the voices that are not good for me. 

This is a dangerous thought:

I believe despite all that I will meet good people. 

Almost every New Yorker is lonely, we are all separate islands. 

最後一個想要提起的難以入眠的夜晚大概是最近這兩天。

我試著回到自己的生活，畫圖，縫紉，閱讀，忍受著周圍膚淺而虛榮的人。

加州的陽光好像是一場夢境。

有的時候紐約很好，但最近我真的很不擅長一個人。尤其是在晚上一個人躺在床上的時候會想起很多人和很多發生過或是即將發生的事情。 我試著切除生活中對我心情不好的人，關閉對於他們的聲音，更努力地去開心地過自己的生活。

這是一個危險的想法。

可我會遇到更多更好的人的，我堅信。

 幾乎每一個紐約客都是孤獨的，我們都是孤島。