Love, Ariel. 2020
These are just some of the things from my diary that I want to share it with people:)
We all know that Time is just a concept, but still happy New Year everyone.
December 30, 2019,
I am lucky enough to see a few Klimt's painting today, and it was a rather astonishing experience.
I simply relate to the women whom he was depicting. The lady dresses in gold, the dancer whose surname's a petal, Danae from Egon Schiele, they all say sensuality. The orgasmic blushing faces of these dainty yet resilient women, the ways their sexuality were depicted fascinate me： women's sexuality is so powerful.
I want to fly to Vienna to see more of them, more of these women who are surrounded by flowers but feel like lost souls and always thinking about sex. They are kind of like me.
2019 is a weird year, started out with a breakup, the loss of my innocent belief that I would find this one person who will be the love of my life, and accepted the fact that love is a concept that people make up to lock themselves up.
He used to be my worship: there was actually a part of me that believed that we were going to grow old together.
Yet, I am only 19, I've got nothing but time, I have plenty of time to write the next best American record.
(later that day )
Someone said the following and I think it is the perfect quote to end the year,
"I don't think you need to be 'Chinese' as such- China won't accept you and neither (really )will America or the West,
So you may as well design your own existence--- the beauty of which being that people cannot figure out how to stereotype you."
I am chinoiserie, I am Anna May Wong
I feel like I have been lying to myself about how it is that I am wanted by the west and hated by the Chinese, to some extent, it is the same old cliche that the west loves me because I am the chinoiserie, and I am the exotic: I am wanted for all the wrong reasons, but deep inside of me I enjoy that feeling because I was never wanted during my 15 years in China.
The fetish really goes both ways: the Chinese are obsessed with mixed racial babies(sometimes that's the only reason to have a kid with a white person because they think mixed kids are cuter), I feel like it is a desperate screaming for help in this extremely homogeneous society with five fucking thousands years of history and the expectation for "porcelain skin" and "small penis" is the western version of adding some god damn spices in their boring salt, pepper and mayonnaise life.
December 31, 2019
I got the habit of drinking Tanqueray from James, I never really drank before the age of 18, and all there's left in our love is my long-lasting love for gin.
2019 is the year of sexual awakening, I realized how powerful yet delicate sexuality is this year, and how many obstacles there are for a woman to want pleasure.
People(including my dad) who said women aren't oppressed are only referring to the "good girls" who follow the rules, and unfortunately, I am one of the bad ones.
We know that time is just a concept, yet events come with these artificial concepts.
1945 was the year we fought off Nazi Germany,
and 2020 will hopefully be a more enlightened year for blissful incidents to happen.
The Election in America, Taiwan... The craziness in Hong Kong, Lebanon,
Sometimes I question my choice of the right or wrong side, but I wish democracy will win, hope will win, the people will win, and that will never change.
New people have entered my life as my darlings,(方爰爰，Ale, Antonia...etc), I don't know how long these relationships would last, but it's always nice to have something exciting to look forward to.
Jan.1 2020
Sometimes I envy people with white parents, the ones who support their children no matter what they look like, sure I would turn out probably less resilient than now, but what is the purpose of doing anything impressive when the end goal is to impress my parents?
It is never going to be enough. I have to come to the conclusion that I will never be enough for them
My imperfections once drove me crazy, and I thought those were going to be the things that wreck me, but instead, my paranoid obsession over perfection was the straw that fucked me up mentally.
This year I want to embrace my imperfection, what if I just try to embrace my imperfection？
What if I just design my imperfections into something that makes my existence more beautiful？
I am a wonderful designer, and I think I will manage to do that.
Best wishes,
to be updated
Anacardier
We all know that Time is just a concept, but still happy New Year everyone.
December 30, 2019,
I am lucky enough to see a few Klimt's painting today, and it was a rather astonishing experience.
I simply relate to the women whom he was depicting. The lady dresses in gold, the dancer whose surname's a petal, Danae from Egon Schiele, they all say sensuality. The orgasmic blushing faces of these dainty yet resilient women, the ways their sexuality were depicted fascinate me： women's sexuality is so powerful.
I want to fly to Vienna to see more of them, more of these women who are surrounded by flowers but feel like lost souls and always thinking about sex. They are kind of like me.
2019 is a weird year, started out with a breakup, the loss of my innocent belief that I would find this one person who will be the love of my life, and accepted the fact that love is a concept that people make up to lock themselves up.
He used to be my worship: there was actually a part of me that believed that we were going to grow old together.
Yet, I am only 19, I've got nothing but time, I have plenty of time to write the next best American record.
(later that day )
Someone said the following and I think it is the perfect quote to end the year,
"I don't think you need to be 'Chinese' as such- China won't accept you and neither (really )will America or the West,
So you may as well design your own existence--- the beauty of which being that people cannot figure out how to stereotype you."
I am chinoiserie, I am Anna May Wong
I feel like I have been lying to myself about how it is that I am wanted by the west and hated by the Chinese, to some extent, it is the same old cliche that the west loves me because I am the chinoiserie, and I am the exotic: I am wanted for all the wrong reasons, but deep inside of me I enjoy that feeling because I was never wanted during my 15 years in China.
The fetish really goes both ways: the Chinese are obsessed with mixed racial babies(sometimes that's the only reason to have a kid with a white person because they think mixed kids are cuter), I feel like it is a desperate screaming for help in this extremely homogeneous society with five fucking thousands years of history and the expectation for "porcelain skin" and "small penis" is the western version of adding some god damn spices in their boring salt, pepper and mayonnaise life.
December 31, 2019
I got the habit of drinking Tanqueray from James, I never really drank before the age of 18, and all there's left in our love is my long-lasting love for gin.
2019 is the year of sexual awakening, I realized how powerful yet delicate sexuality is this year, and how many obstacles there are for a woman to want pleasure.
People(including my dad) who said women aren't oppressed are only referring to the "good girls" who follow the rules, and unfortunately, I am one of the bad ones.
We know that time is just a concept, yet events come with these artificial concepts.
1945 was the year we fought off Nazi Germany,
and 2020 will hopefully be a more enlightened year for blissful incidents to happen.
The Election in America, Taiwan... The craziness in Hong Kong, Lebanon,
Sometimes I question my choice of the right or wrong side, but I wish democracy will win, hope will win, the people will win, and that will never change.
New people have entered my life as my darlings,(方爰爰，Ale, Antonia...etc), I don't know how long these relationships would last, but it's always nice to have something exciting to look forward to.
Jan.1 2020
Sometimes I envy people with white parents, the ones who support their children no matter what they look like, sure I would turn out probably less resilient than now, but what is the purpose of doing anything impressive when the end goal is to impress my parents?
It is never going to be enough. I have to come to the conclusion that I will never be enough for them
My imperfections once drove me crazy, and I thought those were going to be the things that wreck me, but instead, my paranoid obsession over perfection was the straw that fucked me up mentally.
This year I want to embrace my imperfection, what if I just try to embrace my imperfection？
What if I just design my imperfections into something that makes my existence more beautiful？
I am a wonderful designer, and I think I will manage to do that.
Best wishes,
to be updated
Anacardier
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